Bit more than a month after the first one... whatever.
Time is fucked. It goes by too slowly and then at the same time goes by so fast... not much has happened since 9/3, really. The biggest thing that's happened is I'm now in love I guess... I initially friended her on Facebook cause I thought she was hot (being totally honest, here) and found myself enraptured by her beauty. But I mean, that's common. There are lots of beautiful women around, but one day (September 23rd, I will remember this day) I got her number randomly-- it wasn't anything significant, she just posted a status consisting of "someone new should text me (: message me for the number" (that's word for word), because I thought it'd be cool to get to know her I did so, and started texting her and stuff...
I dunno why I started falling for her. She just started telling me all this stuff about her that I thought was really sad but that also made me feel sympathetic, like I had a need to help her somehow. She hates herself, and I hate that she hates herself. I just felt this spontaneous, human attraction that defies the explanation. I love talking to her. I'm always thinking about her. I get anxious when she is upset or if I think I've displeased her somehow (I am very cynical, paranoid, etc... so this happens a lot) or she doesn't respond a text. I get nervous and jump to negative conclusions based on things that she's said, stuff that I would feel horrible about if it applied to me-- like as an example, last Wednesday she was really angry about something (I still don't know what). I texted and asked if she was okay, and her reply was "Nope. Fuck off.", I was fine with that and thought that was reasonable since she's kind of a solitary person, I guess, and was mad and all... I wish I had asked why. I still don't know why, but I want to, because I'm really concerned about her and all... anyway, I texted her the next day and didn't get a response all day and kept checking my phone feverishly (even whilst in school). I came up with many irrational conclusions that furthered my anxiety, and I couldn't sleep for 2 hours because I kept thinking about her. Then on Friday I asked if she was around on Thursday and she said her phone was off and didn't check FB, so was playing dead to the world basically, which was a relief.
Those are only some of my thoughts about her. I could write so much about what I think about her. How beautiful she is. How good of a person she is. Why she shouldn't hate herself. How she's a good person but doesn't realize it, or doesn't want to admit it...
I don't know. I'm still rambling because I just type this shit in a stream of consciousness. I don't tell this to anyone else because I keep like 97% of what I think inside my brain, that's just who I am... but like, I wish I could talk to her about stuff. I really want to be her friend... she's so special. I have not met anybody like her. She's the exact same as me on the inside... it feels so odd to be so close yet so far. I think I love her. Well, no. I do love her... I have never felt like this about anybody before. She is beautiful, goofy, funny, intelligent, open minded, not judgmental whatsoever... but also fragile, insecure and self-loathing. I wish I could change that... I really want to make a positive impact on her life somehow.
She said that she doesn't trust one person and doesn't have any real friends, just people she gets high or gets Slurpees with or something... I felt so sad, then. I wanted to make her change what she said... I still do, more so now than I did before. I wish she could trust me and confide in me and talk to me about anything because I feel the same about her too. I have lived in my head my whole life... I've never confided in anybody else, I always keep my emotions and thoughts to myself. But I would like to change that... I want to be able to confide in her and talk to her about anything and talk to her when I'm sad because I know she could make me feel better, because I love the fuck out of her, and I don't feel uncomfortable with admitting that or wanting to be able to do all this shit with her because she's so special. In every way. I probably feel more affectionate toward her than any of my other friends because she's a girl...
To reiterate, I've never experienced love before, but... I've found it, I think.
Maybe I will show her this at some point, because more than anything right now I want to get to know her better and have her know me better. The thing that fucks with me the most is that she hates it here, and because she lives on her own (she's 20 and works full time), has the option to move. She said she is definitely moving from Massachusetts to Florida in the next 6 months. I respect that she wants to change her life for the better, but I mean, I am so afraid... so afraid that I might never have the confidence to tell her how I feel. Afraid that I might lose the only person I have ever loved in my entire life. Afraid that I could lose what might be one of the best things to happen to me. Afraid that she will never remember me... afraid that I won't get to the point where I can confess this to her and not have her be flabbergasted.
If she does end up leaving, I am going to be so fucking sad. Holy shit. I know I will cry.
If I had to sum it up, I am in love with a very special person. I feel helpless and alone about this, and I also feel yearning... I dearly wish I could form some sort of intimate relationship with her even if it isn't necessarily sexual. Just like... really good friends. For everything I outlined above. I'm waiting for a text from her right now and I'm going to leave my phone on all night in the event that she texts me and I don't want to risk the chance of not hearing something from her because I'm asking about if she wants to hang out next weekend, basically, and I want to see her so fucking much.
I love you, Robin. But more than that, I really wish you loved me... more than anything.
"Can't you see I'm trying, I don't even like it
I just lied to get to your apartment
Now I'm staying there just for a while
I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired
Is this it
Is this it
Is this it"
-Is This It by The Strokes
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Year Later
... or 356 days later, rather. Almost a year. Whatever.
Much has happened. I am still named Steven, and male, however I am age 16 now. I never really forgot about this blog however I'm only getting around to making another post now for... well, I don't know really. I have to say that I learned more about myself and my passion (music) in 2010 and 2011 than I have in my entire life. I suppose a fitting purpose for this entry would be to summarize my life in the past year... hopefully my updating of this blog will not be an annual occasion, though I don't anybody gives a shit. Perhaps if I'm somewhat famous people will dig this up, or something, or maybe I will maintain it for several years... who knows.
Have not been in the "other band" mentioned in the previous post for a while, since October 2010 in fact, and it was very shitty, anyway. Abandoned bass playing around the end of December 2010 or beginning of January 2011 to pursue drums more seriously and have stuck with it since. Worked with the drummer of Periphery, the wonderful Matt Halpern, for all of January, which helped a lot in many ways, I think. I continued taking online lessons from him sporadically, and had the opportunity to have an in person lesson with him on April 10th, when his band was playing in Massachusetts. Stopped taking lessons from the first teacher I had, Eric Anderson, sometime in April, though I must say he was great. I also stopped taking lessons from Matt in July after discovering Mike Heller, the drummer of Malignancy, who is an absolutely incredible player and also the best teacher for me at this point in time, I think.
Been to some amazing shows both with local and national bands, one of which was responsible for meeting some people who are now some of my best friends, and started a band called Morbid Reality with two kids that are two years younger than me in March 2011, which actually doesn't totally suck. We're in the process of writing material currently, and my guitarist is coming over later today (it's 3:24am as I type this) for that purpose... I've also kind of joined another band with some friends of mine, called SNAFU, and I'm jamming with them this Sunday. I don't have any idea what it'll sound like but hopefully it'll work out. I got my first job this summer, in August, though I was fired in my 3rd week... the whole situation was pretty fucked so I may devote a later post to this. As a result, I'm not going to look for work until the winter, at least, though I mean, things change of course... I've gotten much better at drums over the past year but I still have a long way to go. I am very excited to be working with Mike though, and have noticed improvement, so hopefully that long way will be made just a bit easier.
I'm now a junior, and as I said earlier, I've learned an epochal amount about who I am as a person this past year. Fitting that I made this blog and am making these posts near the beginning of my school year, as well, because as a student, my life mostly revolves around school... I've decided that I have no interest in attending college, even for drums, and I've made many new friends. I cannot wait for fall and the transition into the new year. This post is kind of disjointed, maybe because I've been up since 12pm, so I think I will go to bed now. Expect a new post somewhat soon.
"Her lips are wet with venom
Her posture's serpentine
She'll touch my arm and
flowers grow there
Poisonous and obscene"
-Towering Flesh by Pig Destroyer
Much has happened. I am still named Steven, and male, however I am age 16 now. I never really forgot about this blog however I'm only getting around to making another post now for... well, I don't know really. I have to say that I learned more about myself and my passion (music) in 2010 and 2011 than I have in my entire life. I suppose a fitting purpose for this entry would be to summarize my life in the past year... hopefully my updating of this blog will not be an annual occasion, though I don't anybody gives a shit. Perhaps if I'm somewhat famous people will dig this up, or something, or maybe I will maintain it for several years... who knows.
Have not been in the "other band" mentioned in the previous post for a while, since October 2010 in fact, and it was very shitty, anyway. Abandoned bass playing around the end of December 2010 or beginning of January 2011 to pursue drums more seriously and have stuck with it since. Worked with the drummer of Periphery, the wonderful Matt Halpern, for all of January, which helped a lot in many ways, I think. I continued taking online lessons from him sporadically, and had the opportunity to have an in person lesson with him on April 10th, when his band was playing in Massachusetts. Stopped taking lessons from the first teacher I had, Eric Anderson, sometime in April, though I must say he was great. I also stopped taking lessons from Matt in July after discovering Mike Heller, the drummer of Malignancy, who is an absolutely incredible player and also the best teacher for me at this point in time, I think.
Been to some amazing shows both with local and national bands, one of which was responsible for meeting some people who are now some of my best friends, and started a band called Morbid Reality with two kids that are two years younger than me in March 2011, which actually doesn't totally suck. We're in the process of writing material currently, and my guitarist is coming over later today (it's 3:24am as I type this) for that purpose... I've also kind of joined another band with some friends of mine, called SNAFU, and I'm jamming with them this Sunday. I don't have any idea what it'll sound like but hopefully it'll work out. I got my first job this summer, in August, though I was fired in my 3rd week... the whole situation was pretty fucked so I may devote a later post to this. As a result, I'm not going to look for work until the winter, at least, though I mean, things change of course... I've gotten much better at drums over the past year but I still have a long way to go. I am very excited to be working with Mike though, and have noticed improvement, so hopefully that long way will be made just a bit easier.
I'm now a junior, and as I said earlier, I've learned an epochal amount about who I am as a person this past year. Fitting that I made this blog and am making these posts near the beginning of my school year, as well, because as a student, my life mostly revolves around school... I've decided that I have no interest in attending college, even for drums, and I've made many new friends. I cannot wait for fall and the transition into the new year. This post is kind of disjointed, maybe because I've been up since 12pm, so I think I will go to bed now. Expect a new post somewhat soon.
"Her lips are wet with venom
Her posture's serpentine
She'll touch my arm and
flowers grow there
Poisonous and obscene"
-Towering Flesh by Pig Destroyer
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