Bit more than a month after the first one... whatever.
Time is fucked. It goes by too slowly and then at the same time goes by so fast... not much has happened since 9/3, really. The biggest thing that's happened is I'm now in love I guess... I initially friended her on Facebook cause I thought she was hot (being totally honest, here) and found myself enraptured by her beauty. But I mean, that's common. There are lots of beautiful women around, but one day (September 23rd, I will remember this day) I got her number randomly-- it wasn't anything significant, she just posted a status consisting of "someone new should text me (: message me for the number" (that's word for word), because I thought it'd be cool to get to know her I did so, and started texting her and stuff...
I dunno why I started falling for her. She just started telling me all this stuff about her that I thought was really sad but that also made me feel sympathetic, like I had a need to help her somehow. She hates herself, and I hate that she hates herself. I just felt this spontaneous, human attraction that defies the explanation. I love talking to her. I'm always thinking about her. I get anxious when she is upset or if I think I've displeased her somehow (I am very cynical, paranoid, etc... so this happens a lot) or she doesn't respond a text. I get nervous and jump to negative conclusions based on things that she's said, stuff that I would feel horrible about if it applied to me-- like as an example, last Wednesday she was really angry about something (I still don't know what). I texted and asked if she was okay, and her reply was "Nope. Fuck off.", I was fine with that and thought that was reasonable since she's kind of a solitary person, I guess, and was mad and all... I wish I had asked why. I still don't know why, but I want to, because I'm really concerned about her and all... anyway, I texted her the next day and didn't get a response all day and kept checking my phone feverishly (even whilst in school). I came up with many irrational conclusions that furthered my anxiety, and I couldn't sleep for 2 hours because I kept thinking about her. Then on Friday I asked if she was around on Thursday and she said her phone was off and didn't check FB, so was playing dead to the world basically, which was a relief.
Those are only some of my thoughts about her. I could write so much about what I think about her. How beautiful she is. How good of a person she is. Why she shouldn't hate herself. How she's a good person but doesn't realize it, or doesn't want to admit it...
I don't know. I'm still rambling because I just type this shit in a stream of consciousness. I don't tell this to anyone else because I keep like 97% of what I think inside my brain, that's just who I am... but like, I wish I could talk to her about stuff. I really want to be her friend... she's so special. I have not met anybody like her. She's the exact same as me on the inside... it feels so odd to be so close yet so far. I think I love her. Well, no. I do love her... I have never felt like this about anybody before. She is beautiful, goofy, funny, intelligent, open minded, not judgmental whatsoever... but also fragile, insecure and self-loathing. I wish I could change that... I really want to make a positive impact on her life somehow.
She said that she doesn't trust one person and doesn't have any real friends, just people she gets high or gets Slurpees with or something... I felt so sad, then. I wanted to make her change what she said... I still do, more so now than I did before. I wish she could trust me and confide in me and talk to me about anything because I feel the same about her too. I have lived in my head my whole life... I've never confided in anybody else, I always keep my emotions and thoughts to myself. But I would like to change that... I want to be able to confide in her and talk to her about anything and talk to her when I'm sad because I know she could make me feel better, because I love the fuck out of her, and I don't feel uncomfortable with admitting that or wanting to be able to do all this shit with her because she's so special. In every way. I probably feel more affectionate toward her than any of my other friends because she's a girl...
To reiterate, I've never experienced love before, but... I've found it, I think.
Maybe I will show her this at some point, because more than anything right now I want to get to know her better and have her know me better. The thing that fucks with me the most is that she hates it here, and because she lives on her own (she's 20 and works full time), has the option to move. She said she is definitely moving from Massachusetts to Florida in the next 6 months. I respect that she wants to change her life for the better, but I mean, I am so afraid... so afraid that I might never have the confidence to tell her how I feel. Afraid that I might lose the only person I have ever loved in my entire life. Afraid that I could lose what might be one of the best things to happen to me. Afraid that she will never remember me... afraid that I won't get to the point where I can confess this to her and not have her be flabbergasted.
If she does end up leaving, I am going to be so fucking sad. Holy shit. I know I will cry.
If I had to sum it up, I am in love with a very special person. I feel helpless and alone about this, and I also feel yearning... I dearly wish I could form some sort of intimate relationship with her even if it isn't necessarily sexual. Just like... really good friends. For everything I outlined above. I'm waiting for a text from her right now and I'm going to leave my phone on all night in the event that she texts me and I don't want to risk the chance of not hearing something from her because I'm asking about if she wants to hang out next weekend, basically, and I want to see her so fucking much.
I love you, Robin. But more than that, I really wish you loved me... more than anything.
"Can't you see I'm trying, I don't even like it
I just lied to get to your apartment
Now I'm staying there just for a while
I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired
Is this it
Is this it
Is this it"
-Is This It by The Strokes
