Decay

2011 was a good year. However, I feel the most crushing of sorrows at the moment. The worst I have felt, in fact. From now on I will be speaking in a stream of consciousness. This should not make sense, but if it does I suppose that is good. I just need to express certain things.

I have come to realize that the past 4-ish months of my life have meant almost nothing. I have achieved nothing nor have I done anything of worth. I believe if I looked at that statement from an objective standpoint I will find it to be demonstrably untrue but I do not care to do so and I am speaking out of negativity to vent negativity. My life has been trapped in a downward spiral and I do not know how to break out of it. I am too weak to do so, my shortcomings prevent me from it, yet I am too strong to succumb to it. It is an unpleasant scenario.

I have discovered love for the first time, but it has reduced my soul to ashes. An anvil is shackled to each of my feet and I am trapped at the bottom of an ocean of negativity. As I see it I have no escape. A girl holds more power over my life than she will ever know. I hate the fact that I have become so cliche yet overjoyed that I had the opportunity to do so. The only priority I have in life right now is to talk to her but I have a feeling that she does not want to talk to me and never will but is too polite to express that for some reason. However, I feel that this is something I have fooled myself into believing out of paranoia. I do not trust her and want to see the worst in her even though on some level I am aware that she is one of the best people that I know and is most likely not lying.

I don't believe that I will ever be in a relationship with her and even the prospect of us being friends (as much as a heterosexual male and female can be "just friends") seems slim. I am afraid that I will never love another person because I only discovered her through the most incredible of circumstances. I am afraid that I do not actually love her but what I think she is. I am afraid that I will be too weak to try and move on from this situation.

I think I may be undergoing a temporary lapse of sanity induced by sleep deprivation. More later.