AUTHOR'S NOTE (5/10/12, 6:54am): This post was submitted on May 10th but actually begun several weeks prior to the one entitled "Decay", I just forgot to finish it until now. It's kind of pointless now since it's so far after the fact and barely anything else has happened since the events of the first two semi-posts, but whatever. It's my blog and an insight into my life.
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This is only going to be about the girl from the previous post.
Then, I was confused and struggling to understand my own emotions, and whether or not I was in love with her or not. And if I was going to confess that to her, or whatever. I eventually did the latter, though I didn't do it in the way I thought I would-- the opportunity just kind of arose.
Since then I've undergone some of the worst depression of my life, because of her, basically. Or maybe I just became depressed and focused on her to kind of keep me sane, or something... I haven't gone to school in almost a month and pretty much every day of the last two weeks of October or so, I stayed home, and usually laid in bed, texting her or thinking about her. And gradually sunk deeper and deeper into this slump I'm in now-- which was really bad in November, but has kind of abated.
Near the end of October I really felt like I was getting kinda close with her, and becoming better friends, and stuff... and then it just... evaporated. I don't know why. I started feeling very distant from her and we stopped talking. Well, she stopped talking to me. Wouldn't answer any of my texts or reply to messages on Facebook, except for two occasions, once on November 10th, and then on November 15th, where she told me to delete her number for my own good, because she wasn't going to reply anymore, because she didn't want to talk to me "or anyone". This made me think something was wrong, so I kept texting her, trying to convince her to talk to me and let me help her... but it didn't work.
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The part of this post above the two hyphens is almost obsolete now, because new information has come to light. I don't remember what I was trying to say and I honestly just forgot to finish it. However, I did move my situation with her forward a bit.
She did not need help. She was ignoring me on purpose because she misconstrued my sincerity for needy, misguided puppy love nonsense. I did not know this until December 10th because I finally took action on December 9th and the results of my actions spilled over onto December 10th.
12/9 was a Friday. That day I got out of bed specifically because I was motivated to take things into my own hands and try to fix the thing that had been plaguing me (her ignoring me). My mother doesn't give me rides places if I don't go to school, so that is why I did that day. Then, after I got out of school and did some things at home, I went to meet up with friends of mine at a band practice. Because of various circumstances I knew that if I did I would end up going to Norwood, which was my goal. After said practice was finished, myself and several of my friends got a ride from Pat (whose house the practice was at) to Roshin's (a dear friend) house in Norwood. We disembarked. I believe it was about 8pm. I knew Robin (the girl) was most likely going to be out of work between 9:15 and 9:30 so I had thought to myself that I would want to be outside her workplace by 8:55. My intention was to approach her in person and attempt to get answers from her. At 8:40, a point was reached where my friends wanted to go off to a playground and smoke some synthetic weed. I knew that if I went with them I would lose my chance, so I decided to part ways for the moment.
Then I walked by myself to the center of Norwood and waited outside her workplace for a while, constantly checking the time and walking around, trying to find a good vantage point where I could look casual. While I was walking, I had texted her, saying something to the effect of "Hey, are you working right now?" There was no reply. I presumed there wouldn't be because I thought she had blocked my number and even if she hadn't that she would not have replied anyway. I didn't really care. The possibility of me being able to speak to her in person was too lucrative in my mind to pass up. Anyway, at one point I decided to walk past the store she works at, to try and see if she was even there, and as I walked past the window, she was RIGHT THERE, not looking at me because she was doing some shit with the register. My heart rate spiked and I moved past it as fast as I could (within reason). I waited across the street, fairly sure that I wouldn't really be noticed, and eventually saw her leave the store. I would have approached her but she was with her best friend and they were both walking back to her house, and I felt it would be unpleasant if I opted to go with my original plan, so instead I just... followed them, basically. I am aware that this was a bad thing to do and I shouldn't have but it made sense at the time. At a distance, though after a point I made it obvious that I was. I'm not entirely sure why but I don't care either way since it hardly matters. Ultimately I saw them both walk into the house, and I walked past it to stay casual. I'm pretty sure I basically made eye contact with Robin through her window as I was doing so. Then when she was fully inside the house I walked back in front, got the address then departed to meet up with my friends once again. I called them and did so, then walked around quite a lot (and also smoked a bunch of synthetic weed).
After a while, six became two and I walked alone with Roshin back to the train station in Norwood (which Robin lives across the street from) in search of a power outlet to charge my phone with. I did so and made contact with another good friend (Eric) who was getting out of work at 1am and wanted to know if I wanted to chill, to which I said yes. I think that was at about 12:30. Then, I decided to go to Robin's house again. I was going to ring the doorbell but then opted to go back to the train station to consult Roshin for advice. He said I shouldn't given that it was 1 in the morning around that point, but I decided to go back again anyway. I rang the doorbell. Waited a minute. Rang it again. Waited another minute. Rang again. I knocked on the door around twice I think. I don't remember exactly how many times I rang, maybe 4? At some point I texted her saying it was me outside and I made up a lie about being stranded and needing to charge my phone and being made to leave the train station by a cop, I guess to try and maybe convince her to let me in or something. I don't even really know, I was high. But she said to go away or that she would call the cops at which point I decided to book ass out of there and go back to the train station. Roshin and I waited for Eric and I was kind of arguing with her via text message in the meantime. Eric picked us up, we went back to Eric's, I charged my phone more there, Eric dropped Roshin off at his house and then Eric and I went to our good friend Andre's house to chill. While I was there, after a point it was made known to me (since Andre is friends with Robin on Facebook and I am not) that Robin posted a status more or less slandering me. I was upset and we talked about this a bit I think, but then we decided to smoke more weed and watch CKY.
After this, at about 6 in the morning I had Andre give me a ride home. I went home and did some stuff then sent her a long
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Another lapse in time. If anyone ever reads this, I apologize. The two hyphens above mark yet another period of me pausing a post for whatever reason and simply forgetting to continue it. I forget yet again where I was going but I can tell you it basically went nowhere. We reconnected and then disconnected again and that's it. I haven't spoken to her since December 30th, 2011. I don't know if she still lives in the same state or has the same number or is even alive, though a mutual friend told me that he heard someone saw her a month ago but that's it. I may elaborate more on this chapter of my life in a later post, but this summary should be good for now.
Time has made me realize many things about what happened. I'll write more about this later on, but for now, I am content merely to finally submit this post, which has been almost six months in the making at this point...
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